'Depression'

title : Hello you little angel :)

introduction : 'i'm sure you have been missing me! right?'

(feeling still tired and hot because of the Cyprus weather, sitting on my brother's bed inour small but cute room, typing like a maniac my emotions. again.)

So..we are in Cyprus after our second year of university. how i feel about that? not so good as it sounds.

i mean i think about you all the time. no friends at all and the worst? all day i spend inside my house, something that is not the definition of 'Best Summer Holidays'.

if i could name this chapter of my life i could deffinetly named it 'Depression' (which i just did)

ok someone who doesn't know me will think 'what's wrong with this sociopath?'

Oh well the problem is bigger than i thought. i miss my baby (Sebastian), i have no summer job and no friends at all. no one to discuss with and it starts all over again.

Sooo..

1. i miss my baby because he is 67km away from me..so i need my Serius (my car's name and yes i named it like this because for me it's cool) but my mum's car is used by her boss so she needs my teddy. unfortunatelly my baby has no driving license so it's up to me this situation.

2. i have no summer job which means 0 euros in my pocket 0 euros in my bank account and 0 possibilities to see my baby..please note that it's the first time in my life when i can't find a job. so sad about it..

3. my friends..Zaklin and Maria. I can see Maria twice a month..that means about 6 hours in a total if we are not going anywhere to spend more time together. about Zaklin because of my family which doesn't agree that i'm 21 years old and i need to meet my friends i can't meet her..and this is the point when i feel ruined..:( miss my girls so much..

4. i'm home alone. not actually alone. because i have the three little ladies with me Mitsi,Coca and Carlita (doggies) and my little brother sleeping all day :) not he is not so little he's 17 in December.

why i'm telling you this?

because i'm sad and i really found in this haos what i really need want and miss.

here we are:

what i really need is

-my baby

-Carlita Asterix and Maya (aww..Maya..:'( )

-courage to deal with everything every day

-a job 

- a house

-to finish my studies

i want

-all the above

-love

-hugs

-to cuddle in bed

-to sleep for a week

-to write a book (a dream that i want to make true..)

-to have babies..no more than 3

-to have a happy family

-to be brave enough to deal with illness and situations.

i miss

-everything 

i want to delete

-my emotions

-the bad things in my life

-lies

-false people

-this kind of parts of my entire life

note to myself:

MAKE THE DAYS COUNT!

p.s. Baby, i love you..

'without you'

i'm not emotionally damaged anymore. but i have moments that i really miss you. so badly that i can't stop my heart beating. i know you won't read this but i need to share my feelings with or without you. that smile gave me such a cold and sick feeling. i can almost feel you everywhere and i'm so terrified! i can't petrify my heart but i can let it happen. it's so sad that we used to know each other so damn good and now? now we are completely strangers. we choose it, right?!
i didn't choose to sleep with you and take away my love. did you?
i didn't choose to love you but it happened and it was the greatest thing ever. what happened to us darling?! who can choose for us, if we are not?
the thing is that even when i'm sleeping i dream about you all the time. i can't stop loving you like this. love it's not a bubble soap. give me a nail and it's done. i tried to understand what you feel, to understand your needs but i can't step on your steps when you're running away. like nothing happened. and the question is why we are still in love? 
why can't you see how much i need you? how much i needed that hug when i failed? how much i missed your voice saying that i'm yours no matter what. where are your eyes looking so happy when i'm in pain? why other girls are so important to you? and why your friends are so funny when you don't have the time to stay with me?
you lie. i lied- and we are not the same. not as we would like to be. the point is that i'm still in love with your eyes, your arms and your smile. i'm so in love with your voice and i wish i had the power to get back in time and grab you to leave from here. to get lost anywhere in this world. away from everything, to have our own story. to live by ourselves. but now..i don't have the courage darling.
without you the feeling of sadness has no ending.
the important thing is that reality breaks my heart but in my dreams i can create my own world where you hold me in your arms and your love fill me with hapiness. how much i can do it? i don't know but i hope that one day or one minute you will stop and grab my hand and say: 'let's do it.'



my darling,

one love-one breath-last fight.

-.things change.-

It's not so nice when you realize that people that you used to know very well can change. 360degrees or even more. how quickly a decission can change your everything in bad. or good. it depends of the situation.
For me, everyhting turns into hell with every word i say, every move i make, every kind of decission. Even when i'm steppin' back there is someone that has to comment or even better to make me hate my life. It's so hard to get up but i learned that i must to get up and give them a real reason to hate me because i can make it even better everytime. I'm a fighter. I can fight till the end. They are just jealous or they try to put me in a bad mood. Having a bad mood always (like me) can affect your present and future plans, your actions and then? Then you hit the ground. And you get hurt by the people you love the most.
In a society like nowadays we are alone. There are no families, no buddies, no couples. nothing more that a person. you. it's a society that you can't handle it. i feel like an average man in Greece, when they were fighting (the two sides: the left side against the right one and the oposite.) he was in the middle. in a convocation of the left side he decide not to go because they were in the same part of the war but still fighting and throwing rocks on each other. so he left desappointed. he decide to go home. but no one was waiting for him except, his little goldfish. and he was in danger because the men of the right side were trying to kill all the people with the left believes. so my man bought a bread and decide to walk around and find a place were he can find his inner peace. he remembered about his wife who died in a car accident, his parents that didn't love him like he needed, his dreams and hopes that now were the last thing he could think about. he realise that he is alone. more than alone. a thing. because his dad told him when he left that things change. and so it is. he changed. a lot. more than a lot. a lot a lot. he decide to go home. unless there is someone still real in his life. his goldfish that will be extremely happy to see him home. he decides to wait his death with the only person that were still alive. his goldfish.
So i'm talking to the heats..to all the people who feel alone.Like me. like you. like them. don't panic. you're not alone. you think that your weak but the greatest power comes when you're in a huge emotional pain. and once you get up it means that you grow up and the next lesson it's to forgive. to forgive yourself and then all of them because they suffer too. but don't let them get used to it.
After my experiences of falling down and hit the ground in any kind of situation i leaned to think twice, to not involve my feelings because i get easily hurt and to forgive them. not to forget but to forgive. And to all of you that you gave up so early, it's so sad because the answear of the question :'how do you feel?' is always "Still the same" or maybe "like hell" or even better "sad and alone"-and you get used to it. And it's not healthy.

*.."Dear Santa,"..*

First of all! how are you? i really missed you since last year!:) i wanna thank you for the great gift you left me under the christmas tree!:)
hmm..this year? i wasn't so nice..i was a little bit more naughty..i didn't pass any exams until i started the new university year. also i didn't ake anything corectlly.
I'm telling you the truth. this year i tried to help the other people but most of the tie i tried to keep my people closer to my heart. i didn't get a good score at this thing. so i start sharing emotions and experiences with all kind of people who wanted a hug..or a person to hear them. yes..this possibility was wrong from the beginning.
Also i tried very hard to speak nicely to all around me..but they've made me wanna lose control so i just screwed it up. so i have to admit..i'm a bad person..i'm a really bad person with good thoughts for the others..you know..in this agic season. i want to help me to share my love and good intensions with my boyfriend (sebastian <3.<3 ), make mum and dad proud of me..help also to have the strong opinions to change my little brother's ideas..and make the other friends to wear a smile in every situation!:)
also for this year the costs for the presents i will take it up to me!:)


                                                                                                  Lots of love,
                                                                                                    your red coral.

..και ναι ΠΡΕΠΕΙ!

ναι ειπα πως θα βαλω ενα προγραμμα στην ζωη μου. δεν το εκανα ποτε. ειμαι σχεδον εικοσι χρονων και δεν θελω τα πρωϊνα να ξυπναω. ο υπνος ειναι ασθενεια οπως λεει και η γιαγια μου. ναι το παραδεχομαι και εγω η ιδια. ειμαι αρρωστη.
ζουμε στον αιωνα της ταχυτητας. ολα πρεπει να γινουν σε συγκεκριμενο χρονο με συγκεκριμενη ακριβια. ομως οσο κοιμαμαι σκεφτομαι:ποιος καθοριζει τα πρεπει? υπαρχει το πρεπει? και αν δεν κανεις αυτο που πρεπει τι συμβαινει?
και ναι καταφερα να απαντησω σε ολα τα πιο πανω μεσα απο την καθημερινοτητα μου ως ενα πλεον ατομο μακρια απο τους γονεις μου σε μια χωρα που αν και μου ειναι γνωστη η γλωσσα καποτε και αυτη με εξαπατα!!!!!

τα πρεπει τα καθοριζουν οι αναγκες μας. για παραδειγμα εχεις ενα κατοικιδιο που λατρευεις, σωστα? το θελεις να ειναι εκει τις ωρες μοναξιας σου, ή για να ο προσεχεις, η στην περιπτωση μου για να ειμαι πιο υπευθυνη και επειδη τα λατρευω τα ζωα. ε λοιπον αυτο το σκυλακι εχει πολλα πρεπει τα οποια εσυ σαν ιδιοκτητης οφειλεσαι να τα κανεις. η πρωϊνη τουαλετα (η οποια για μενα ειναι  χειροτερο)πρεπει να γινει και ολες τις υπολοιπες της ημερας. δεν θελει και βολτα το μωρο? θελει! ρωτας το καημενουλικο αν θελει εξω και σε κοιταζει με εκεινα τα ματακια..ΜΠΟΡΕΙΣ ΝΑ ΑΝΤΙΣΤΑΘΕΙΣ? εγω παλι οχι. αυτο θα ηταν το λιγοτερο αν σκεφτεις ποσα θελεις και ποσα πρεπει να κανεις σε μια μερα!
το ΠΡΕΠΕΙ υπαρχει. αν θελεις να εισαι σωστος στην ζωη σου, να εχεις μια ομορφη σχεση με καποιον, να πετυχεις σε ολους τους τομεις στην ζωη σου τοτε το πρεπει ειναι πολυ ψηλα στην λιστα!
υπαρχει και το αλλο που λεμε αν δεν το κανω τι εγινε? δεν εγινε ή θα γινει! θα χασεις το λεοφορειο για οσοι χρησιμοποιουν μεταφορικα μεσα, θα αργησεις ή θα χασεις μια επαναληψη στο σχολειο,πανεπιστιμιο αντιστοιχα, ακομη μπορει να φτασεις να σου κοψουν το ρευμα λογω αργοποριας ή το χειροτερο που για πολλους ανθρωπους θα φαινοταν τραγικο? θα σου κοψουν την συνδεση στο διαδικτυο! πως θα χασεις τα comment και τα likes? γι'αυτο ηθικο διδαγμα? ΠΡΕΠΕΙ  να πληρωνουμε εγκαιρα τους λογαριασμους μας! ΕΣΥ μπορεις να κανεις ολα οσα ΠΡΕΠΕΙ?

πως ξεκινησε η σκεψη..

"Είναι τόσο δύσκολη η αλήθεια σ’ αυτή τη ζωή. Η αλήθεια πο-
νάει. Γι’ αυτό και μας την κρύβουν.Για το καλό μας.
Για να μη στενοχωρηθούμε.
Γιατί έτσι τους συμφέρει.
Οι γονείς, oι συγγενείς, οι φίλοι, οι γνωστοί, οι εργοδότες, οι
πολιτικοί, τα μέσα μαζικής επικοινωνίας, η ίδια η κοινωνία, ο
καθένας έχει τον δικό του λόγο να κρύψει μια αλήθεια. Και τότε
νιώθουμε συντετριμμένοι. Νιώθουμε πως μας κορόιδεψαν. Νιώ-
θουμε θυμό, οργή, θλίψη, απογοήτευση…
Μέχρι που έρχεται και η δική μας σειρά να πούμε ψέματα.
Αθώα ή όχι, δεν έχει σημασία. Κι αναρωτιόμαστε μήπως τελικά η
μόνη αλήθεια της ζωής μας είναι πως δεν υπάρχει απόλυτη αλή-
θεια, όπως τόνισε ο Νίκος Καζαντζάκης, ή μήπως η αλήθεια εί-
ναι ζήτημα άποψης, όπως είπε ο Στρατής Μυριβήλης.
Δύσκολο θέμα η αλήθεια.Πονάει. Καίει ολόκληρη… Ζεματάει. Μπορούν να γραφτούν βι-
βλία για χάρη της και να μην καταλήξουν σε κανένα συμπέρασμα. Μήπως γιατί η αλήθεια είναι τελικά ζήτημα προσωπικό;
Πληγώνει όμως η απουσία της, στιγματίζει ζωές…
Το ξέρω, το έχω ζήσει, το έχω βιώσει.Γράφοντας για την αλήθεια, δε σας το κρύβω… δάκρυσα αρ-
κετές φορές.
Πίστευα πως ο δρόμος θα ήταν σύντομος, αλλά δεν ήταν.
Γιατί ποτέ ο δρόμος της αλήθειας δεν είναι σύντομος."

                                                                                                                 Ρενα Ρωσση-Ζαϊρη